Its been 6 months since I last wrote anything. The reason? I just ran out of things to say one day when I realized all the navel gazing was unimportant given the fact that God loved me more than I could ever possibly imagine and everything else just vanished. Nothing to say. I couldn't compete with that in any way shape or form. So I didn't.
Funny thing happened though. I was in daily communication with God up to that point. March 1st was the last day I have opened my Bible or spent any serious time in prayer or meditation. I have lived for 6 months on that 10 day feast of His love.
And now I am thirsty again. Parched actually. And I didn't even realize it until today. Something triggered a thirst response in me and I wondered what it was. The clues were there. Thoughts wondering off in places they didn't need to be. A little short tempered with the family at times. Unusual amounts of worry about small things. Complacency about worship. All the usual clues. But I ignored them.
Today, I read the post from March 1st. I was dumbstruck over what I had written. Things about giving my life away for Him. Prayers for Him to be the center of my life. Desire to find my worth, my fulfillment, my life, my security in the things of my Papa. And then I reflected on the last 6 months.
Guilt and shame have flooded my soul. How I longed to be the person in the last post. And how deeply I have failed. I have resorted to money lust once again. I have desired to find my security in the this world's system. I have even failed to honor Papa with His portion at times.
And yet, He has comforted me. He has forgiven. He is restoring, providing water in my parched soul. The old hymn says "Oh how He loves me" is ringing in my ears as I write. His words, "Be still and know that I am God" echos in the chambers of my soul. Once again, love conquers all things.
I know I am loved. I know I am secure. I know I am forgiven. And I know He watches over me.
A lesson from this sojourn from His presence: Drinking daily, communion daily, walking with Papa daily is so much better than long periods of dryness broken by intermediate periods of gorging on His presence. That's like a man staggering through the vast reaches of the Sahara with just a tiny vessel of water. And collapsing at the oasis, drinking his fill and then leaving without filling his water bottles again for the next leg of the trip. Just plain silly. Papa is telling me today to just hang out at the oasis for a while and let Him take care of everything.