Practical Grace

Grace is not supposed to be practical. Its supposed to be this amazing spiritual force, this essence that surrounds and protects us. Its supposed to be there but unseen and unfelt....Its just supposed to be....

And yet, after a year of experiencing His grace in profoundly spiritual and mystical ways that have affected my spirit and even my sense of who I am but yet without surfacing in the so called real life of where I live each and every day. To be sure, grace has shown up in my relationship with God in deep and intensely personal ways. It has revolutionized how I see Him and how I perceive His love for me. Grace has been about me. My sin, my problems, my issues, my peace, my joy, my strength....its been inwardly focused.

And justifiably so. If grace cannot change me to my core, then what good is it? My revelation of who He is and what He has done for me must first change me. Then and only then can His grace flow not just to me but from me. And so the last year has been about recognizing and reveling in His grace toward me. Changing my outlook on eternity. Changing the way I view the Good News....how its presented, how it affects me and others, changing my mind (true repentance) about who Jesus is and what He really did on the cross. 

And yet grace with minor exceptions has not really affected how I live outwardly. I'm more joyful even in the face of circumstances that would otherwise prevent joy. I'm more at peace with uncertainty knowing that He has only good for me. I no longer chafe under guilt and shame for misdeeds both great and small as I know He has already forgiven them and in fact, doesn't even remember them, so if He doesn't condemn me, why should I condemn myself? I see everything through the prism of grace.....but.....

Practically speaking my interactions with others have not changed substantially. I still get angry easily, less so than before but still, I feel I should be slower to anger, frustration sets in pretty quickly when things don't go my way or people can't see my point of view even though its clearly superior to theirs. Forgiveness and kindness are not my normal modus operendous. 

Just when I was thinking that grace would be my lifelong companion but would really only affect my spirit life, a blast from the past steps in and sets that way of thinking on its rear. 

Ten years ago, a Christian man did me wrong in business. No details here but suffice to say, it hurt and even when I tried to follow up with him after the fact and find out what was going on, he refused to take my calls and never once got back to me. Then over the last few years, I'd see him at functions or around town here and there. Always he treated me as though nothing had happened. This was a man I'd had in my home and treated quite well. As time went by, I began to harbor ill will toward him. I was glad when he lost his job. Then I found out quite by happenstance that he had done a couple of other things that reinforced my opinion of him. In my heart I was glad he was such a dirty rotten person...I felt vindicated that it was him and not me that caused the issues many years ago. 

Then I found out his wife works at my daughters school. She greeted us as though all was peachy keen....my face smiled but my heart was black with distrust and spite. Meanwhile, grace was overflowing my heart, revealing how much I was forgiven, bringing peace and joy.....I was smug and happy I was being shown this wonderful grace that was brought to me by the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. Content to walk happily along secure in my knowledge of who I am in Christ. 

Then yesterday, I was eating my .85 burrito at Del Taco and who should walk in....but the man himself. In his smug little shirt and tie looking as though he was innocent of all wrong doing. I was hoping he wouldn't notice me....but alas, straight to my table he came. 

Not only did he head straight my way but to my utter disappointment, he sat down and asked if we could talk. I didn't want to talk, not now, not ever...but civility demanded at least a cursory attempt at conversation. No way could he know how much I resented his very presence. 

After some brief and awkward small talk, he said to me, "I've been wanting to tell you this for a decade, but I've been very sorry about what happened back then but I've never really had the chance or the courage to say it". Crap....he's apologizing. Now what? No way can I act like all is forgiven, its been too long with to many wasted chances to apologize for him to do this now. So with my mouth I said no problem.....water under the bridge, but in my heart, I didn't mean it. No way no how.....

A few more minutes of small talk and off he went to get his food and a few more minutes pass and I get up and leave. I never gave it a second thought. Whats done is done. 

However, the Holy Spirit had other ideas about the whole incident. 

Moments after turning out of Del Taco's parking lot, clearly and without any question I heard, "freely you have received, free give." What? Who? WHY.......but it came again, "you have received my grace freely, how dare you not freely give it." My heart broke. I recognized my beloved voice. His firm but gentle correction coming from the throne of grace. 

So rather than turn around and go fix it, I told God if I saw this man in the next day or two, I'd make right how badly I'd handled his apology and then if the opportunity presented itself, I'd explain how grace led me back to him for that purpose. 

Off I went to finish my errands for the day. I had two or three more stops to make and then back to the house. My last stop was to run the car through the car wash to get rid of all the bird poop it had accumulated over the last few days.

I entered the car wash listening to the radio, sat as the machine went back and forth and as the final rinse was spraying over my windshield, I got ready to exit and go through the dryer.

Something you need to know, this car wash is set up with some car vacuum stations just behind the drive through wash section. As you drive through the air dryer, you can see two of these vacuum stations right in front of you. And as I began to enter the drying area, who do you think was in the very first vacuum station? 

My nemesis was right there, vacuuming his car out. Not in one of the other dozen or so car washes in town. This one, right in front of me at exactly the same time as I was. This could not be coincidence and remembering my promise to God to make it right with this guy, I laughed out loud at how He had set this up. 

I pulled over to this guy, shouted above the noise of the vacuum to get his attention and fulfilled my promise to God. Of course he was far more gracious with my apology than I had been with his but as I drove away, the only thing I could think about was how much I'd been forgiven and little I tend to forgive.

Grace is practical. It can and should affect every area of our life. As I drove on, I talked to God about clearing my life of the garbage ten years of unforgiveness had brought me and to restore all that had been damaged. 

Practical grace. Not just for me but for every one everywhere for every reason and every occasion. Grace covers it all. 

Remembering.....

I am filled with good intentions. Most of us are. One of mine has been to keep this journal up. But honestly, most days feel to mundane to bother writing about.

Then I look back, and the mundane has taken on aspects of wonder.

The daily details often obscure the wonder that is life. Today I took some time to look back at previous posts. I am filled with awe at the things that have transpired in between the posts. Each post represents a period of time in which details to mundane to mention coalesced into incidents that have meaning.

Some posts are rich in detail about single events. Take my friend Peter's death. I read that post today. I was taken back to that time and I wept again. But then I remembered its been two years. Time has passed. His wife Shanie has remarried and is celebrating new life on her honeymoon in Europe and his kids have all begun successful adult lives of their own and one is even expecting his first grandchild.

In sadness there is joy, in grief there is new life. It is the way of the world. The way of the Creator. The way of grace.

Other posts are less poignant. They are simply milestones in the journey. Some of which I can't remember why I wrote them. They meant something then. What I cannot remember, nor do I care. I care about the ones that bring back the memories of wonder and awe of His goodness. While this blog is sparse in terms of posts, its still full of wonder and awe. I remember the previous six years and what this blog has been about.

And I'm blown away by it:

Some history;

I lost my business
I filed bankruptcy
I lost my house
I lost the rental we were in after losing the house.
We are essentially homeless
I lost my reputation in the community
My brother lost his house as a result of my business failure.
My dad lost his house as a result of my business failure.
My dad had a quadruple bypass
My dad had a terrible gall bladder operation and took months to recover
My brother had stents put in due to heart disease.
My other brother had stents put in due to heart disease.
I had a heart attack.
I had three stents put in over a 6 month period.
I had pneumonia
I had 30 hours of Afib. Not fun at all.
I lost my identity. Who was I?
My wife was very depressed, ( who wouldn't be?)
I was depressed....but in severe denial about it.
I have severe tendonitis in my right shoulder. A result of 20+ years of being a desk jockey.( getting better but still its a handicap)
I lost most of my so called friends. They ran like rats on a ship when the money stopped flowing.
The church we called home for 25 years and that my wife grew up in collapsed. My spiritual foundations were shaken to the core. Some of those foundations gave way.
One of my best friends died.
One of my wife's best friends has cancer.
A friend I had trusted with my business, someone whom I had helped and placed in a position of trust betrayed not only me but my family including my brother to employers and pastors. Jobs were lost, trust was damaged.
Another friend and employee went out of their way to spread lies and rumors about me and my business around town. Someone I had taken in and trained to be my assistant. Who worked for me for 4-5 years. They made nearly six figures as my assistant. From next to nothing to six figures. And they betrayed me.
Sleepless nights
Hours of weeping
Stress
Denial
Constant and unrelenting worry

There are other things. Trivial in relation to these. All this happened from 2008 to the present. Six years so far. Seems like an eternity.

Through all this, my foundation which is supposed to be my faith in God was shaken, I mentioned this already but its important enough to reiterate. EVERYTHING was shaken. Some of it destroyed. The frame work of my life, success, money, friends, church, faith, even family, all shaken. This blog in part has been an attempt of retaining some of my moorings. Of trying to journey back to faith or more appropriately, of retaining what little I had left and yet done from a perspective of trying to hide or at least shield myself from the truth of the destruction my family and I have experienced over the last few years.

Reading back through the various posts, I am reminded that He is good. More importantly, I now know that even in the midst of this journey in which only bad things seem to be happening, He was still good. Its taken a long time to accept. My journey into grace which took off last February but was begun even before all this happened is what has sustained me in all this. In my deepest sorrow, anger, grief and frustration, He has been sustaining me. Often times I was not aware of it. I questioned the very existence of a being that was supposed to be good and yet let all this horrible stuff happen.

And so the truth is I am undone. Some of it my own doing. Some of it outside my control. Some of it intentionally done by others. Regardless, I am exhausted in my physical being. I am tired of trying. Of putting on the brave face. I am exhausted by the facade of OKness. I am weary of battle. I have PTSD. I am war weary. I am lonely. I am walking wounded. I have no community. I am prodigal.

But today, I know that my Redeemer lives. I know that no matter what, I am secure in His love. That I am in His light. And nothing can separate me from His eternal love. He has revealed to me what has always been. That I am loved. This the good news. That all these present troubles are but a mist. A mere trifle, a minor annoyance in light of His wonderful love and goodness. The promise of abundant life, the assurance of peace, the presence of eternal joy. These are His gifts of wonder and awe to me.

So hope springs eternal. Because I have Him. And the story is all about Him. Not me. Its about He has already rescued me. How His joy is my joy. How his rest is my rest, about how his strength is my strength. About how He is my closet friend. About how His contentment is my contentment. His health for my sickness. His riches for my poverty. His loyalty for my betrayals.

I'm sitting in Starbucks writing this. I love the atmosphere. The casual indifference. The strong smell of coffee which I'm becoming addicted to, the bitter taste of expresso....the swirl of people getting their caffeine fix (I drink decaf due to the heart condition). Sitting here, listening to my extensive library of worship music. I can't help but be of good cheer. For He has overcome the world.

I am a new creation. Honestly, I wish all the stuff I mentioned was fixed. Its not. Some of it hasn't even begun to be fixed. Maybe it never will be. Who knows. But I don't care. Jesus loves me. I love Him because He loves me. I can worship freely and with abandon. In the midst of continual struggle, I am finally free!

I can't believe it. Freedom has finally come. And it looks nothing like what I thought freedom would look like. I was blind but now I see!

This little video from Lakewood is a little bit of how I feel today. Worshipful, joyful and hopeful.

Day 88 of 100 Days of Favor

 no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
    and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord
    and their righteousness is from me, declares the Lord.” Isaiah 54:17

I've heard this scripture over and over and yet never heard the last part. My heritage is to that no weapon formed against me will succeed and that my righteousness is from God. Its when I know my righteousness is from God that no weapon formed against me will succeed! Its when I think I have to earn my righteousness that the accuser of the brethren can make accusations against me; "who do you think you are? You're not good enough to be a Christian". These are lies from the pit of hell but they are accurate IF I continue trying to earn my righteousness. Instead, its during these times of accusation I must confess with my mouth that I am the righteousness of God through Jesus's finished work at the cross!

Romans 4:2-5 says that those that work for their righteousness, those wages are not counted as grace but debt. Ouch....then it goes on to say that those who do not work for their righteousness but believe on Him who justifies the ungodly, those peoples faith is counted for righteousness. He is a God that justifies the ungodly...this then is grace! The unrighteous and ungodly being justified by faith! Before the law, Abraham was justified by his faith. God counted it for righteousness.....and all he did was believe.

I'm super excited to know that I am fully justified before God. Not by my works but by His perfect work at the cross! Never again will I give place to the accuser of men. His mouth is silenced by the true revelation of grace. Some say that grace is divine influence to do the will of God.....and it is that, but it is so much more than this. This definition simply places grace back in the place of helping us do more.....like its just something to help us keep the law! A true definition of grace might be; unmerited favor from a holy and perfect God toward me flowing in never ending rivers of love, joy, strength and peace!

Its from this place of forgiveness, strength, peace and joy that I want to please Him. Not because of punishment if I don't but because of His unending goodness that draws me to repentance. I want to do right because He loves me so much....its the only reason I want to do right. Otherwise my human nature runs toward the darkness continually. But His goodness brings me again and again to repentance.

I am now Christ conscious instead of sin conscious! Its a much better way to live. No more fear of what I might do wrong today. Instead I rejoice in His continual forgiveness....after all, He said it is finished!

a life time ago

I wrote my last post on April the 5th 2013. Seven days before my heart attack and 3 months ago. That seems like a lifetime ago.

So much has changed since then. My diet, weight, my health have all changed for the better. Almost no sugar, no fried foods....etc....I'm still working on it to be sure but gradually I am getting in better health.

But a quick word about the heart attack....during and after.

As you recall, I wrote about grace a few days before the heart attack. In fact, a few weeks prior to that post, God had revealed Himself and His grace in a powerful way with the words from Scripture..."it is finished". What those words meant was, there is no longer a sin issue because the sinless one has put an end to the requirement of the law. It meant I could be 100% certain of my standing with God through the finished work of Jesus on the cross regardless of how I felt about myself. No more fear of the afterlife because that was secure. I was in a state of perpetual joy over the thunderbolt of the revelation of grace in my life.

So fast forward to the heart attack, April 12th 2013 around 9:30PM. Lying in bed, thinking I had indigestion from the large meal at Red Lobster. Someone had given us a gift card and we made much use of it that night. I told myself the indigestion would go away and to just go to sleep. So I did but two hours later awoke with severe pain in my right arm and serious pressure on my upper chest. These symptoms got worse and I told my wife I didn't feel good.

Soon thereafter we made the decision to go the hospital just in case. I got up, got dressed and told my wife I'd wait downstairs whilst she finished getting dressed.

I went outside and stood in the driveway as she made her way downstairs. Soon the pain was extreme and in that moment I knew I was having a heart attack and in that very same moment standing in the street outside the house, I knew I could die any second. Oddly enough, instead of fear and panic overwhelming me, I felt at peace. As the Scripture says "The peace that passes all understanding shall KEEP your hearts and minds". I did not have peace, peace had me. It kept me. And I knew it was His grace that enabled me to have the peace that if I died that night, I would see Jesus face to face. And through the entire episode, I had no fear. Instead I had almost a sense of detachment, as if I was watching myself and knowing in the end, it would all work out so no need to get excited about it at all! Like the script had already been written and I knew the ending already.

The drive to the hospital took somewhere around 24 hours to make....really it was 10 minutes or less but it felt far longer....the pain was intense and I wanted it to be over quicly....but once there, they took outstanding care of me....for which I am eternally grateful....and there is another miracle surrounding the hospital bill as well which is a topic for another post...suffice to say, without insurance I owe nothing to YRMC!

I guess the purpose of this post is to capture my perspective about my life before and after grace. My life prior to the revelation of grace seems far removed from my current existence. It seems somehow foreign. Alien even....and more importantly, full of doubt, full of fear, full of worry and anxiety.

As a Christian, those things were not supposed to be part of my life and yet they were. Yes I believed in God and in Jesus but to be 100% honest, the life the Bible promised was not what I was living......I was however, searching for that life and I believe the prayer I was praying...."God, open yourself to me, show me grace, show me your Good News was answered that day when grace came down.....I cannot imagine life without grace. Everything seems less frightening now. Uncertainty, difficulty, disappointments, all seem to fade somehow in the light of grace. And its true, the Kingdom really is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. I'm not always righteous, nor am I always peaceful and I don't always walk in joy....BUT and its a BIG BUT....those things are always close. Where before they were something I needed to search for and sometimes I never found them.....but now, they are but a breath away....regardless of what I feel like, I know I can simply appropriate them in this present moment and they are mine!

I  can't explain it. It was revelation. It is revelation.....it will be revelation....in the sense that its ongoing. There was no moment of revelation....instead there is revelation. Now, in this present moment. Revelation of His unending and unbelievable goodness. Each new breath is a revelation of His favor. I get now why the Scripture says "in Him I live and move and have my being." Because without Him I can do nothing. Yes I can work and I can strive and I can accomplish different things....but even that is because of His favor. So better to acknowledge it and rest in it.

I'm rambling and it makes no sense. I get that. Its hard to explain.  Its so deep and yet so simple. Grace. A waterfall of His mercy and goodness. I can simply stand under its flow and enjoy all His benefits.

I'm gonna post a bit more often now. There are a few topics I want to get on paper so to speak so I can preserve them while their fresh in my mind...

1. Peace (shalom)
2. Rest (the Sabbath)
3. Communion (as often as you do it)
4. Sin and sacrifice
5. Kings and priests vs slaves
6. Speaking vs doing which ties in with Kings and priests
7. And a few other things as they come up.

Grace....greasy and otherwise.....

Grace....its easy to dismiss grace as the get out of jail free card.....most of us Christians have spent much time disparaging those that need constant grace, forgetting to look in the mirror of the Word to make sure we have our own measure of grace in place.

The truth is, if not for grace, we would all be screwed. Yes, that is the technical term for it. Sin came by one man to all, grace came by one man to all. Easy to say, simple for God to do, hard for us to grasp fully what that means. 

These past few years, I am learning what grace is. It is the classical interpretation, "unmerited favor from God" but its so much more than this. This sounds religious. And Jesus had some unkind things to say about religion. Religion keeps man from God under the guise of pointing man to God by creating rules through which man must approach God. Instead, grace opens the path for man to approach God freely and in his own way. Yes, Jesus is the only way to God, but how we get to Jesus is up to us and grace throws wide the door to the throne room and invites all who are weary, dirty, tired, poor, sick, and burdened with life to enter His presence and celebrate life. There is no caveat....just invitation.  

Grace makes it possible for me to lay aside my desire to sin. Not just the sin itself, but the desire. As I revel in His grace, my desire for sin diminishes, as I rely on myself, my desire for sin increases. Grace is not greasy, its just the opposite. Grace covers all but births within me the desire to have less to cover. Grace says, "I'll cover your sin, but there's a better way". 

I see on the landscape of religion, ways to exclude, boundaries keeping people out. Yet the Good News of the Kingdom was so great that people died getting it to other people. The religion I have known is not good enough, not exciting enough to lay down my life for. Rules and regulations through which I approach God is simply not the Good News. 

If those of us calling ourselves Christians presented the real Good News (provided we understand it properly) perhaps those we are presenting to would receive it with more joy. 

Grace and truth, the entirety of the Good News message. While we were sinners, Christ died for us so that we who were dead in our sin, could live again.....the price paid for all mankind, once and for all. No one left out....and no further action needed. Because of this, we can live life fully alive in the Kingdom. Our choice. We choose to live in the Kingdom or we choose to live in hell. The Kingdom according to Jesus is in the hearts of men. If the Kingdom is in the hearts of men, which means we have the choice of where to live this present life. Surely any choice we make to live below Kingdom standards is choosing to live in the gates of hell. 

God's ways are not our ways. What makes sense to us is just foolishness to him. What is foolishness to us is very often the way of the Kingdom.....it makes sense for me to have to perform something to live in the Kingdom and yet He says "nope....just live, My gift to you, enjoy". 

I choose the Kingdom....

nevertheless.....

Lazarus is dead, Jesus is off on a ministry trip, or so He says. Mary and Martha, the beloved sisters are inconsolable. Messengers sent to fetch Jesus to heal Lazarus before he dies return empty handed. Time passes. An inappropriate amount of time. Jesus is late. Rudely so. 

Lazarus, the bread winner, the fixer, the life of the party, the adult male from whom the families sustenance is supposed to flow.....dead. 

The one man who could've prevented the untimely death inexplicably delays his arrival. Even after he knows Lazarus is dead, he delays. Confusion abounds. Murmuring ensues. Dark shadows of doubt creep closer. Distrust and anger. Hurt feelings. All part of the families' emotions now. Death is final. 

Finally Jesus arrives. Four days late. Mary, to hurt to respond stays in the house. Martha runs to meet Him in the way. Her words, not mine. "Jesus, if you would have been here, Lazarus would not have died. Nevertheless, I know God will give you whatever you ask". 

Nevertheless? Really? Is this something you say when death is final? When the healer is late. When the dreams are dead and buried? 

The first part I get. "If you would have been here, our beloved Lazarus, our brother, our provider, our fixer, our life of the party would not have died". I get this. In fact, I've often said the same exact thing. "Jesus, if you would have shown up a few days earlier, or if you would have done this or that, these dreams of mine would still be alive". Never have I followed it with "nevertheless". This has never occurred to me to say. The dreams died. I've had a five year funeral, grieved and now looking to replace the dreams with something more "realistic", less lofty, less "God given". Something I can achieve on my own without help. 

Nevertheless. A powerful word. Jesus told Martha, "He shall rise again" Martha of course knew this would happen in the resurrection of the dead. But Jesus was the resurrection, only she didn't recognize Him as such. Moved by compassion and her faith, Jesus did the only thing He could, He transcended time and space and asked God to bring the resurrection she was expecting in the future into the present. Lazarus lived again! The same man, the same provider, the same life of the party, the same fixer, the same brother lived again! Only this time with a tale to tell of His goodness. 

"Nevertheless, whatever you ask of God He will give it to you". Whatever God gives is much better than what we expect. Dreams dead? Nevertheless, ask God. Receive whatever He gives. 

I've been Mary, to hurt to respond. I am becoming Martha who is willing to say, nevertheless.....and then accept it as better than whatever it was that died. And I will live to tell the tale.  

Tyranny of Love III

A long time since I have written. Since my last post, I've given a lot of thought to John 3:16. "For God so loved that He gave His only Son".

I'm not entirely sure how He had what it took to sacrifice His only son. I know I would rather sacrifice myself for my child than for her to suffer. The Christian tradition says that Jesus was the son of God and yet it also says that Jesus was God in the flesh. Is it possible that God sacrificed himself for us? It does appear that way. In many places scripture says that God became flesh. That He took on the facade of flesh to pay the ultimate sacrifice.

Scripture also says that through one man death came into the world to all men(Adam) and that through one man (Jesus) life came to all men. Does this mean all men have access into the life He promised. It sure looks like it!

The big deal here is this; God loved His creation with such overwhelming love, He did the unthinkable. He gave Himself as the payment for our sin. How He did this is above my pay grade. I'm just glad He did.

A love this strong can only be described as obsessive, wild, furious, crazy, head over heels. It is what drives a man to abandon all semblance of normalcy and act completely outside themselves to win the object of their affection. It drives a man to jump in front of a speeding car to save their kid in the street, it will drive a solider to jump on a grenade to save the lives of his brothers in arms, it drove Him to the cross.....it is abnormal.

And yet, most of us pass off the story of His love on the cross as a nice Bible story when in fact its the tipping point of eternity. Its the one thing, the one act, the one Person we should most pay attention to and more importantly, live as though we actually believed its message.

What is the message? Simple....Love, His love, conquers all. There is no need for anything else, man made or otherwise. In fact, anything that distracts from that message is opposed to that message. This message is the narrow gate Jesus referred to. The broad gate mentioned is everything else that distracts us from His love. We are so preoccupied with what we perceive as our life, we forget His. And in forgetting, we die. We were designed to live in the fullness of His love which energizes us and gives us purpose and direction. As the ancient saint said, "The glory of God is man fully alive".